Simply Me

  Its as though one single scream could trigger trauma to flashback into my mind. As though that one scream, that lead up to a sequence of louder and angrier screams, had make me begin to shiver and tears fall down my face. 

 I need not the same things that happened in my childhood to happen to him. He is so little and still has a life ahead of him. I need not your craziness cause death of a loved one. I need not stresses of life taken out upon him. You see, he is my brother. I may be the eldest of 9, yes i said 9, but, this one is the only one i can be here for.

When i heard the screams, stomping, and crashes… I just wanted to go run and grab him. Its a good thing he is only one and a half, because then he would remember all… with horrifying memories… I wanted to go grab him, but i couldn’t. All i felt was fear. When i was going to do it, i froze. For that moment i thought to myself, what if something happens to me? But then, i would not care. As long as a hair is not marked upon him, id take a beating. When i was going to rush out someone else came out.

That is an entirely different story.

But right now. Im just shivering. Im just afraid. Like a child, right now, more than ever, i need someone to hold me and tell me it is going to be alright. Because like the title I am afraid

My favorite color is blue.

Why?

because it’s the color of the ocean. The color of what rain is thought to be colored; although its clear. Rain is soothing. The ocean carries me away. Both of them wash away my thoughts and rid me of pain and confusion.

Gravity is a mental block we subconsciously inflict on ourselves. Once you break free, the skies will become like seas, and you will float endlessly towards the sun. ~ Emanuel (friend of mine)

This is only pertaining to the words written above. Towards the sun you burn. You do not float towards the sun, you float away. You die away. NO matter, no nothing is left. The state of nothingness leaves you desolated for an eternity, til you are mentally incapable and you become where you are. NOTHING ~me

Since i cannot reply to a specific message at this specific time because .. if i say what i think. what i think will do wrong. My intentions? To be happy. To find those great friends and cherish them forever… After all, two years can be said as forever when you are in school.

This may sound like a story, but if you truly want to understand, think behind the replacements and metaphors.

So to you, in hope that you may be reading this, here is your reply.

I really wish i could say how i did not mean to see you break. At first it was something blooming, then my year began with new things coming. With every new thing comes many open doors. I took my opportunities and left you there. The blooming flower -what was thought to be- stayed and stayed, while i the leaf, flew away. I flew away to other days where life was different. I decided to let go of my past, and unfortunately you became part of that. My past seemed to be anything that had been blooming before my adventure began. Adventure meaning school year. After everything that happened, after all of that. I kept moving, on to the next. From stem to stem, till nothing was left. Then i died out and became my own. Grew into a tree with roots and leaves. As a tree i became wiser, for i am no longer a leaf -lost and traveling-, i am myself again, wise and concerning. I lost myself when i was a flower, who was wilted because i was planted into a foreign land. In the foreign land you found me and i hadn’t felt so alone. But then the year started, and i began to grow and die, traveling. Now i am a tree you see, wise as i can be. I meant no harm to you nor’ me, except when you took branches out of me. Then anger struck and after it passed, all i wanted was grass, for you to be my friend.  Nothing more. After the last time you said what i thought you said was the truth of just friends. I was convinced. I thought everything the grass did for me was friendly gestures.

If i had known, would i have asked? no

Sorry to thee, i owe an apology. If you want the flowers you once had on your soil back, ill give them back. But to bloom again together… Couldn’t happen because i said and said and thought you got it. Apparently the message was not clear enough.

Therefore, for misleading, i owe to you an apology.

Then again it may be even, because an apology you gave me long ago, was forgiven, never forgotten, with some type of hatred that glows. Second chance was just grass. guess that did not go through the roots whisper and crickets well. maybe the melody was not in tune.Want your stuff back, ill hand it with hands open. Everything was all just a facade that i did not realize, nor’ see til now. But now you see.. and we both know the truth. No more hiding. no more running.

Poof?

Why do the right people come around so late? Why do they come Later on rather than.. When you need them?

I know everything happens for a reason.. and even if you dont know that reason.. It happend because god wants to direct you twoard that certain way..

There’s this person who I’ve began to become fond of.. And I wish i would of found this person sooner.. We both do. :/ But hey.. Maybe sometime in the vast future.. we shall’ see each other again.. [=

After all.. It is a small world.